Original Humor By John Louis

Feel Free To Present This In Your Church

Ever Wonder If The Church You Are Attending Or Visiting Isn't The Most Friendly Church In The World? Well Wonder No More, We Have Provided Some Sure Fire Indications...

  1. The usher at the door is known as "Guido the bouncer", has a metal detector and requires two forms of I.D.
  2. When asked to give testimony the head deacon jumps up and yells, "I didn't do it, no one saw me, you can't prove a thing!"
  3. Tithe plates are attached to portable A.T.M. machines.
  4. When asked what to bring on youth mission trip, teens are told to, "Wear your colors and be packin' heat."
  5. All members are required to wear robes and sell flowers at the airport,
  6. Communion wine served from bottle in a brown paper bag.
  7. Evangelism committee new slogan: DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!
  8. Deacon's Board renamed, "The committee to grieve the Holy Spirit."
  9. Minutes from deacon's meeting read like end time prophecy.
  10. Ladies' choir called the, "Canaanite Women" do kickin' rendition of, "Devil With A Blue Dress On."
  11. Pastor announces that the congregation has been called to a test of faith - the snakes have escaped.
  12. Senior Citizens group passes resolution that Being under 40 is of the Devil
  13. Five hours before your scheduled baptism you are shown the movie, "Titanic."
  14. Thirty minutes before your scheduled baptism you are required to sign an accidental death insurance waiver form.
  15. Fifteen minutes before your scheduled baptism, the pastor dumps ten pounds of dry chlorine into the baptismal pool and says, "Yep, that ought to kill it by the time we're ready."
  16. Children's nursery affectionately named, "King Herod's Play Land."
  17. Missionary picture postcards on the church bulletin board are wanted posters.
  18. Your pastor visits you in the hospital and tells you that if you had more faith you wouldn't be here!
  19. Sunday School teacher refers to the Sadducees as "Happenin' dudes."
  20. Church admits to a 10% mortality rate, but attributes it to members being slain in the Spirit.
  21. The churches Harvest Party - alternative to Halloween, is done away with in favor of an actual druid ritual.
  22. If you don't have the gift of translating tongues you can't figure out what the pastor is saying.
  23. The lead in last year's Easter pageant didn't survive the role.
  24. This year's VBS: Come experience the ten plagues of Egypt.
  25. All Sunday School material is printed on papyrus scrolls.
  26. Your name is on a booklet being circulated to other churches: Sheep That Need To Be Stolen.
  27. In an effort to give the church a more modern name the board rejects "New Life Community Church" is rejected for "Center for Chastisement, Correcting, and Rebuking All Unrighteousness."
  28. When reading about Paul's suffering in II Corinthians 11:22-29 The church mission team yawns and replies, "Been there, done that."
  29. Church parking is a pay lot.
  30. Youth mission trip fund raiser involves Louie the Torch soliciting local business for fire insurance.
  31. New Members are required to have the church logo tattooed on the back of their hand or forehead.
  32. Churches version of being slain in the Spirit involves the pastor applying pro wrestling hold The Stone Cold Stunner.
  33. Church's spiritual gifts inventory test lists your gift as "Being a Heavy Tither."
  34. Visitors are required to stand in a roped off area while wearing bright orange jump suits.
  35. Church business meetings begin with the convocation ...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
  36. The head usher is employed as a surgeon and is asked to start the Sunday morning service by, "Opening us up in prayer."
  37. Visitor registration cards list the first question as, "Just whose side are you on?"
  38. Paid staff members include pastor, associate pastor and psycho-pastor.
  39. Requirements for teaching junior high include martial arts training and a licensee to carry firearms.
  40. In home visit from evangelism team involves an AMWAY presentation.
  41. You are denied admittance to the healing and prayer service because, "If we lay hands on you we might catch what you got."
  42. The church is named, "The Wrath of God Community Church."
  43. Communion wafers are multi-colored and have LAS VEGAS written on them.
  44. Stewardship Committee requires that you report your annual income so that they can decide what portion to "name it and claim it."
  45. Entering the sanctuary often involves crossing yellow police tape.

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